Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom