Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

When they try to steal your moment.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?