I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
We’re all getting idioter.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.