I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
😭😭
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
We’re all getting idioter.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS