Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

I missed you with all my darts

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

FRED: right

women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.