Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.