Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Managing expectations

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Hey Fugeddaboutit

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.