I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You Might Also Like
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
*updates tinder bio*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.