I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”