I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Passwords are more important than ever.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.