Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

[at the general store]

me: one general please

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

*praying for world peace*
God:

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa