Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*