Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.