Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth