*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Morning my dudes.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
mechanics be like
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”