Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?