I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
notice
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A