I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.