Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer