Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.