I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
definitely did not do anything wrong
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.