I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
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Our lord and savoury.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
guilty
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?