Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Windchimes

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?