Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

This anagram machine is out of order.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.