Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

He took my last fry, your honor

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here