Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé