@Marlebean

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

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@sfreeze6

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

@T_Bonezzz_

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”

@Asbo_Unicorn

Unicorns have one horn and everyone says “ooh they’re so magical” Cow’s have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better

@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk

@illuminateddino

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

@SpeakComedy

Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive 😉

@Harpers_Halo

When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair

@AntozWolf

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”