“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way