“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”

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A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too



“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”


Unicorns have one horn and everyone says “ooh they’re so magical” Cow’s have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better


I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk


I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.


Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive 😉


When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair


There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”