“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.