Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it