i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
You Might Also Like
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.