i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.