Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college