Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
You Might Also Like
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My favorite female superhero
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???