Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

SPLOOT

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

✨☝️✨

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?