i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
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The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
on da cob, we all corn
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.