i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?