I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
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In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit