I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
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Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?