Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season