I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Guantanamo Bae
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too