I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My Sentiments Exactly
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old