I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.