I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
You Might Also Like
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty