I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
aesthetic
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Erm…
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol