Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order