Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”