Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

I want what they have

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Monday

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.