Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Miscakes

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”