I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
are they though??
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The French cow says MEUX…
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
