Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.