I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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Florida be like…
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
neighborhood watch
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Did…did a minotaur write this
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.