Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

True?