Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign