I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
What even happened today?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…