When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.