@yayalexisgay

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

You Might Also Like

@omgthatspunny

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

@Fickle_Filly

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

@HandyJack420

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

@ceejoyner

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

@Ygrene

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

@jwoodham

“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@karanbirtinna

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.