I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Lol #dogsoftwitter