I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My favorite female superhero
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Dune (2021)
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.