I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.