Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?