Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That de-escalated quickly

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I must learn to listen to myself when I tell myself to shut up.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Guantanamo Bae

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.