I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
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seems like a niche market
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Eating for two.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice