I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
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Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth