I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Dead sexy!!
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes