I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here