I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
sensitive skin
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.