I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Weirdos gonna weird.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti