@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

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@1slowery1

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

@EamonToPlease

[baby is bouncing in swing seat]

I
I wish I had one of those.

HER DAD
They bring great joy.

I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

@ToxicProbably

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

@linkindrinkin

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

@

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@robdelaney

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.