Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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[baby is bouncing in swing seat]
I wish I had one of those.
They bring great joy.
I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Netflix: are you still watching?
Hulu: still there?
Phone: ring ring
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
When libraries troll their patrons.