I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You Might Also Like
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
after i eat lunch there鈥檚 a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don鈥檛 you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I鈥檓 not allowed
*kicks dirt
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back馃槵
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schr枚dinger’s cat.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[creation of trees]
god: when it鈥檚 warm you鈥檒l be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it鈥檚 cold they鈥檒l all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That鈥檚 the third one so far.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”