I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Gemma Correll
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.