I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Breaking news:
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.