Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager