Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..